“I Saved Up For Top Surgery & All I Got Was This Lousy Album.” kind of true. also wanna get my voice on record in case i ever go on T & lose it forever. trans stuff.
context: #hotgirlsummer, 2019. surgery, “i’m a sex god now!,” the nurses all crack up. watching /the favourite/ stoned & in love with my friend, oops. are my nipples gonna fall off?
afterwards: i went on a silent meditation retreat & had visions & Figured It All Out. newts, daddy long legs, pine needles.
during: brooklyn. sticky hot. went to school with nate but don’t know you /that/ well but we’re gonna spend nine 10-hour days together. owen wilson: “WOW.” indeed. (we’re jews so we can make jew jokes that i won't repeat here. or can we)
a lot of me crying. at what? all the pain i’ve ever felt which is in these dangd songs. crying cuz of my “beam of love" situation, cuz i’m sam & i can’t save frodo, cuz i’m frodo & i can’t be saved. this world. & how do we make “house of healing” fit. etc.
but also: sweet times, the sweetest. inky black rice from scoops, everything from scoops, the word “scoops.” the blue sky, the sun. chris thornton. all the jamaican food in lefferts, such abundance, unreal. gentry but trying not to be the worst. alley kittens. i bought a leotard at rainbow cuz i ran out of underwear
what about recording music? sometimes nate’s playing everything, i’m just on my stomach reading n.k. jemisin. sometimes it’s all me. i take off my shirt to sing because i can. a little self-conscious but “i want to feel like a raw nerve!” close my eyes.
a moment: me turning the RATE knob so so so softly, while nate presses keys, that warbly synth on “i’m alive.” so so softly so focused something flows through us, “we become music we become one” (don’t hate me) “VIBRATION”
“we’ll never be as strong as them they got death on their side” is paraphrasing aurora levins morales paraphrasing roque dalton in her “v’ahavta” poem (www.auroralevinsmorales.com/blog/vahavta
). in fact that poem is everything
“you have already arrived” is from /how to walk/ by thich nhat hanh
the song “house of healing” is from being a member of put people first! pa (www.putpeoplefirstpa.org
the last verse of “rosie cotton” is from /return of the king/ book 6 chap 1.